How To Cope With a Narcissistic Family Member

Frequently, the term "narcissist" is used loosely, but it goes beyond mere self-confidence. Narcissism involves an inflated self-view and actions taken to uphold that perception, often at the expense of others. This exaggerated self-image can be indicative of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a clinically recognized mental health condition.

NPD can have detrimental effects on relationships in various aspects of life. To navigate interactions with family members exhibiting NPD or traits of NPD, experts offer the following advice.

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is recognized as one of the 10 main types of personality disorders according to the DSM-5-TR. Individuals with NPD often possess a strong belief that they should be admired by others, while displaying a notable lack of empathy towards others.

To receive a diagnosis of NPD, healthcare providers look for the presence of a consistent pattern of grandiosity that emerges by early adulthood. Additionally, individuals must exhibit at least five of the following traits:

• a grandiose sense of self-importance
• an intense focus on fantasies of success, power, or beauty
• the belief that they are exceptional and should only associate with other special individuals or groups
• a constant need for excessive admiration
• a sense of entitlement and deserving special treatment
• a tendency to exploit others for personal gain
• a lack of empathy, feelings of envy or the belief that others envy them
• self-centered behaviors and attitudes

While there are no standardized treatments specifically targeting NPD, talk therapy and medications used to address symptoms such as anxiety or depression can be beneficial. Additionally, it is important to note that NPD can co-occur with other mood disorders.

How Does Narcissism Run in Families?

Narcissism can develop in childhood due to negative experiences, such as overly permissive or overprotective parenting.

Permissive parenting, which is characterized by a lack of structure and boundaries, can lead to children developing a sense of entitlement and an inflated sense of self-importance. Overprotective parenting, on the other hand, can stifle a child’s independence and self-confidence, which can contribute to narcissistic traits.

In contrast, authoritative parenting, which is characterized by a balance of warmth and firmness, is associated with lower levels of narcissism. Authoritative parents set clear expectations for their children and provide them with the support they need to meet those expectations. This helps children develop a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-regulation.

How To Cope With Family Members Who Have NPD

Holidays can be a difficult time for people with narcissistic family members. The heightened drama and expectations of these gatherings can exacerbate the narcissist’s need for attention and control.

If you’re spending time with a narcissistic family member this holiday season, here are some tactics that may help:

Seek Emotional Support from Additional Family Members

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may not be able to provide the sympathy and support you need when you’re going through a difficult time. They may be more focused on their own needs and interests, and they may not be able to understand or empathize with your pain.

If you’re expecting sympathy and support from a family member with NPD, you may be disappointed. They may not say anything at all, or they may make insensitive comments that make you feel worse.

It’s important to remember that people with NPD have a different way of viewing the world. They may not see your problems as being as important as their own, and they may not be able to understand how their behavior is affecting you.

If you’re feeling hurt or discouraged by a family member with NPD, it’s important to reach out for support from others. Talk to friends, family members, or a therapist who can help you process your emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

Remember, you’re not alone. There are many people who understand what you’re going through, and there are resources available to help you cope.

Try Not To Take Their Behaviors Personally

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may take over family dinner conversations and show no interest in the other people at the table. This can be frustrating and hurtful, especially if you’re trying to have a conversation with them.

If you feel defensive or angry when this happens, it’s important to remember that the person’s behavior is not personally directed at you. They are not trying to hurt you, they are just trying to protect their own fragile self-esteem.

"Their NPD is a way to compensate for how they really feel," explained psychologist Sheila Forman, PhD. "Understanding this can help you feel empathy for them and not get so angry when they behave as they will."

Here are some tips for dealing with a narcissistic family member at dinner:

• Set boundaries. Before the dinner, decide what you are willing and not willing to tolerate from the narcissist. For example, you might decide that you will not engage in arguments or allow them to criticize you.
• Avoid direct confrontation. Narcissists are often very sensitive to criticism, so it is best to avoid direct confrontation. If they say something that is upsetting to you, try to change the subject or walk away.
• Focus on the positive. If you can, try to focus on the positive aspects of the dinner and avoid getting caught up in the narcissist’s drama. Spend time with other family members who you enjoy being around and focus on the good times.
• Take care of yourself. If you find yourself feeling stressed or overwhelmed, take some time for yourself to relax and recharge. Go for a walk, read a book, or take a bath.

It is important to remember that you cannot change the narcissist’s behavior, but you can control how you react to it. By setting boundaries, avoiding direct confrontation, and focusing on the positive, you can make the dinner (or any other gathering) a little bit easier.

Be Prepared If You Plan To Discuss Their Behavior

If you’re thinking about talking to a family member with NPD about their behavior, it’s important to be prepared for resistance. Narcissists often have trouble reflecting on their own shortcomings or flaws, and they may be quick to blame others for their problems.

One way to increase the chances of your feedback being accepted is to "insulate" it with positive comments and compliments. This means starting and ending your conversation with something positive about the person, and then weaving your feedback in between.

For example, you might say something like:

"I really appreciate how much you do for the family, and I know you’re always trying your best. But sometimes, when you do [specific behavior], it can be hurtful to me. I’m not saying you’re a bad person, I just want to let you know how it makes me feel."

It’s also important to use clear, precise, and concrete language when giving feedback to a narcissist. Avoid using generalities or vague statements, and instead focus on specific examples of the behavior that’s bothering you.

Finally, try to validate the person’s feelings about challenging situations before you give them your feedback. This means acknowledging that they’re feeling upset or angry, and that their feelings are valid. However, avoid directly challenging the person’s beliefs.

If you follow these tips, you’ll be more likely to have a productive conversation with your family member about their behavior. Remember, it’s important to be patient and understanding, and to not expect the person to change overnight.

Set Firm Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is essential for dealing successfully with someone with narcissistic traits. These boundaries should be physical (limiting the amount of time you spend with them) and psychological (not engaging with their manipulative behavior).

Narcissists often feel that they are the victim and that others are the problem. They may use manipulation, persuasion, and dominance to get their way. If you give in to their demands, you are enabling their behavior and reinforcing their belief that they are superior to others.

To cope with a narcissist, you may need to limit your time at family events or avoid exchanges with them altogether. If you do interact with them, it is important to disengage when you feel vulnerable or like you are being drawn into their drama.

Remember that you cannot control the narcissist’s behavior, but you can control how you respond. You have the choice to limit your presence and interaction with them for your own sanity.

More About Coping With Family Members Who Have NPD

Here are some things you can do to help yourself when you’re around family members with narcissistic personality traits:

• Catch up with family members you get along with. This can help you feel supported and less alone.
• Take time-outs to recharge your energy and mood. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a few minutes to yourself to relax and clear your head.
• Stick close to loved ones who support and nourish you. These people can offer you emotional support and help you cope with the stress of dealing with a narcissistic family member.
• Educate yourself about NPD. This can help you understand the disorder and how to deal with it.
• Seek professional help. A therapist can help you develop coping strategies and manage your feelings.
• Join a support group. Talking to others who understand what you’re going through can be helpful.

You can find mental health professionals and support groups through organizations such as MentalHealth.gov, the American Psychiatric Association (APA), and the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).

A Quick Review

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can be difficult to deal with, especially during family gatherings. They may be self-centered, critical of others, and demand all the attention. This can be stressful and upsetting for the people around them.

However, there are ways to cope with these interactions. One important strategy is to set boundaries. This means deciding what you are willing and not willing to tolerate from the person with NPD. For example, you might decide that you will not engage in arguments with them or allow them to criticize you.

Another helpful strategy is to remember not to take the person’s behaviors personally. People with NPD often have a distorted view of themselves and others. They may see themselves as superior to others, and they may not be able to understand how their behavior is affecting the people around them.

If you are struggling to cope with a family member with NPD, it is also helpful to seek professional help. A therapist can help you develop coping strategies and manage your emotions. They can also provide support and guidance.

Remember, you are not alone. There are many people who understand what you are going through, and there are resources available to help you.