How To Talk About Your Anxiety and Listen When Others Talk

Anxiety has long been a prevalent issue in the United States, with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) affecting approximately seven million adults, making it the most common mental health disorder in the country, as reported by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. However, the year 2020 brought about additional stressors and challenges, significantly impacting the anxiety levels of many individuals.

The COVID-19 pandemic, which has had a devastating impact worldwide, swept through the US on a massive scale. Simultaneously, people were protesting systemic racism, facing environmental threats such as wildfires, and witnessing political upheaval. These events contributed to a significant increase in anxiety among Americans, with a 2020 poll conducted by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) revealing that 62% of respondents felt more anxious compared to the previous year, almost double the typical percentage seen over the past three years.

Alyza Berman, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of The Berman Center in Atlanta, explains that the unprecedented nature of 2020 caught many off guard, leaving people without the necessary coping skills. While the stigma surrounding mental health has not been completely erased, Berman notes that the shared experience of anxiety during this period has fostered more empathy and understanding. People are more likely to respond with support rather than skepticism when someone expresses their anxiety.

However, discussing anxiety can still be challenging, given that everyone has different triggers and comfort levels regarding various activities, such as indoor dining, travel, school attendance, or wearing masks. To navigate these conversations, the following tips can be helpful:

Express Your Anxiety Productively

In an era where even everyday decisions carry a level of risk, it is crucial to have open conversations about anxieties with our loved ones. Not only does it provide relief for ourselves, but it also helps prevent tensions from arising and enables others to understand our emotional state.

When expressing anxiety to someone, it’s important to go beyond a simple statement like "I’m nervous about seeing you" or "I’m afraid to travel," as explained by Berman. To effectively communicate our concerns, it is helpful to explain the underlying reasons behind our anxieties. By sharing the "why" behind our emotions, we provide insights into our thought processes and help others understand our perspective. For example, we might say, "I’m nervous about seeing you because you recently traveled to a COVID-19 hotspot, and I’m concerned about potential exposure" or "I’m afraid to travel because health officials have stated that airports increase the risk of exposure to the virus."

By providing specific reasons for our anxieties, we offer context and rationale, making it easier for others to comprehend our concerns. This approach helps foster understanding, empathy, and a shared commitment to maintaining everyone’s well-being.

Engaging in open and honest communication about our anxieties allows for more meaningful and productive conversations. It enables us to navigate the complexities of risk and make informed decisions collectively, ensuring the safety and emotional well-being of ourselves and those we care about.

Framing Your Statements

How we explain ourselves plays a vital role in effective communication. Stephanie Newman, PhD, a psychologist based in New York City, emphasizes the importance of using "I" statements when expressing our feelings. This approach frames our emotions in a way that others are more receptive to hearing.

"I" statements, such as "I feel this" or "I think this," focus on our personal experiences and perspectives rather than placing blame or criticizing others. By using "I" statements, we take ownership of our feelings and avoid triggering defensiveness or conflict in the other person. For example, saying, "I don’t want to come to Thanksgiving dinner because Dr. Fauci warned against small gatherings," allows us to express our concerns without directly criticizing or accusing the host. This approach promotes a more open and constructive dialogue.

On the other hand, using "you" statements that attribute blame or make assumptions about the other person’s intentions can escalate tensions and hinder effective communication. For instance, saying, "You’re not taking COVID-19 safety precautions seriously because you’re inviting more than 10 people over," may come across as accusatory and defensive, potentially leading to a defensive response.

By framing our explanations and concerns using "I" statements, we create a safer space for open discussion and understanding. It allows others to listen without feeling attacked or judged, fostering empathy and constructive dialogue. This approach increases the likelihood of reaching mutual understanding and finding common ground.

Remember, effective communication involves expressing our thoughts and emotions in a way that promotes understanding and collaboration. Utilizing "I" statements helps achieve this goal, facilitating healthier and more productive conversations, even in sensitive or challenging situations.

Respond to Judgement

When faced with a judgmental or dismissive response to your anxiety, maintaining a productive conversation can be achieved by attempting to understand the other person’s perspective. Alyza Berman advises that in such situations, it is helpful to respond in a curious and non-confrontational manner.

For example, if you express your discomfort about meeting up in a large group, even outdoors, and someone tells you that you’re overreacting, you can respond by saying, "I’m curious. Can you please explain why you feel that way? I don’t understand." By approaching the conversation with genuine curiosity and a desire to comprehend their viewpoint, you can prevent it from turning into an attack or a defensive response.

This approach encourages open dialogue and allows the other person to explain their thoughts without feeling attacked. It creates an opportunity for them to articulate their perspective and potentially gain insight into your concerns as well.

By actively listening and seeking to understand, you create space for a more constructive and empathetic conversation. Even if you may not fully agree with their viewpoint, this approach promotes mutual respect and can lead to a deeper understanding of each other’s perspectives.

Remember, the goal is not to convince or change the other person’s opinion immediately, but to foster a respectful and open exchange of ideas. By approaching the conversation with curiosity and empathy, you increase the likelihood of maintaining a productive dialogue and finding common ground.

Set a Limit

Establishing personal boundaries and setting limits is crucial to maintaining healthy conversations and preventing arguments. Stephanie Newman highlights the importance of defining your limits in advance to avoid escalating conflicts.

If you have decided that you are not comfortable dining inside someone’s house, even if they have been isolating or tested recently, it is within your rights to uphold that boundary. It is essential to communicate your boundary firmly but respectfully. Alyza Berman suggests using statements like, "I totally understand that you might be a little more liberal with this, but right now, I’m not." By expressing your position in a non-confrontational manner, you convey your perspective while acknowledging the possibility of differing views.

When you emphasize that you hope they can understand where you are coming from, it shifts the conversation from being aggressive or attacking to a plea for empathy and understanding. This approach invites a more compassionate response, unless the other person’s reactions are entirely irrational.

Remember that asserting your boundaries and expressing your needs is important for your well-being. It is okay to prioritize your comfort and safety, even if others may have a different perspective. By communicating your limits and expectations with clarity and respect, you create an environment where open dialogue and understanding can thrive.

Acknowledge Other’s Anxiety

It is essential to be an empathetic listener when someone opens up about their anxiety. Rather than acting as their therapist, your role is to provide a safe and non-judgmental space for them to express their thoughts and feelings. Anxiety can be unpredictable and may not always appear rational, but it is crucial to listen with respect and dignity. Recognize that anxieties can shift throughout the day and may not immediately make sense to others. By demonstrating empathy, treating them with respect, and listening without judgment, you can create a supportive environment that encourages open dialogue and helps them feel heard and understood.

Validate Feelings

The key to supporting someone who opens up about their anxiety, even if you have a different perspective, is to validate their feelings. Stephanie Newman emphasizes the importance of acknowledging their emotions. This can be done by offering phrases such as "that must be so scary for you," "I’m here for you," or "how can I help you?" It is crucial to avoid dismissing their concerns, telling them they have nothing to worry about, or immediately trying to provide solutions. Most individuals seeking support are not necessarily looking for advice, but rather for someone who can understand and validate their experiences.

Remember, it’s not about taking their anxiety personally. By validating their feelings and offering support, you create a space of empathy and reassurance, which can be immensely beneficial to someone dealing with anxiety.

It’s Not Personal

Navigating discussions about anxiety can be challenging, especially when there are significant differences in perspectives and tensions are high. It’s important to recognize that during these times, people may feel fundamentally different from one another. For instance, you might strongly oppose the idea of completely virtual schooling for your town, while your best friend feels uncomfortable sending her kids to socially distanced classes. In such situations, it’s crucial to remember that no one is at their best right now, as highlighted by Stephanie Newman.

It’s important to understand that when someone expresses their anxiety or concerns about a particular situation, it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you or seek an easier solution. They may still love you and genuinely wish for a better outcome. It’s crucial to acknowledge that everyone is experiencing various losses, ranging from family members and jobs to insurance and missed life experiences. Each person handles this stress differently, and their anxieties are influenced by their unique circumstances.

Empathy plays a crucial role in such discussions. It involves stepping into someone else’s shoes, even if only temporarily, and attempting to understand their perspective and emotions. By practicing empathy, you can foster understanding and create a supportive environment for open dialogue.

Recognize that empathy doesn’t require you to abandon your own beliefs or values. It simply means acknowledging the validity of someone else’s emotions and experiences, even if you don’t fully agree with them. Embracing empathy can help maintain healthier and more constructive conversations, even when tensions are high and differences seem insurmountable.