Aug
Persistent pain becomes an unwelcome companion, persistently present from the moment you wake up to the time you go to sleep. This constant presence, though unwelcome, can exact a toll on your relationship, as both partners grapple to comprehend each other’s divergent experiences of the pain. Diseases primarily afflicting females, such as endometriosis, fibromyalgia, cystitis, and vulvodynia, are notable sources of chronic pain.
As per the data provided by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), approximately 4 million Americans are affected by fibromyalgia, with the majority of them being women. Regrettably, women often receive dismissive remarks, attributing their pain to a psychological origin – a sentiment that their partners sometimes internalize as well. Failing to fully grasp the profound nature of your partner’s pain can precipitate substantial relationship challenges.
Connection of Relationship Support
The corrosive impact of chronic pain, whether arising from conditions like fibromyalgia, back pain, arthritis, or others, can severely strain relationships. This strain can be particularly pronounced if one partner harbors doubts about the origin or intensity of the pain, while the other feels a dearth of genuine comprehension and backing.
Annmarie Cano, Ph.D., Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences and Psychology Professor at Gonzaga University in Spokane, underscores the yearning of individuals with chronic illnesses for support from their loved ones. The innate desire for affection and care persists universally, but when this requisite support is perceived as lacking, feelings of resentment and an unwarranted sense of entitlement might ensue.
Discussion of pain has the potential to cast a pall over interactions, and if you happen to be the one grappling with the pain, even the most potent sources of support—such as your partner, spouse, or children—might inadvertently tune out when you broach the topic. However, there is an optimistic outlook: the manner in which you communicate about your pain holds significance. By employing certain strategies, you can enhance your chances of securing—not relinquishing—the unwavering support of your loved ones.
Catastrophizing and Chronic Pain
Cano’s extensive research delves into the adverse dynamics that chronic pain can instigate within couples. In a comprehensive Pain study published in December 2009, Cano and her fellow researchers meticulously tracked 106 couples, wherein one partner grappled with a chronic pain condition, commonly involving arthritis or back pain.
The findings unearthed a significant correlation: individuals experiencing pain who held a sense of entitlement to heightened support from their partners exhibited a propensity for magnified perceptions and thoughts regarding the magnitude of their pain and its ensuing disability—a phenomenon referred to as catastrophizing.
Contrary to constructive coping strategies, catastrophizing aligns with elevated levels of pain, distress, and depression. Moreover, it tends to coincide with passive approaches to seeking assistance, which ironically tends to yield unfavorable outcomes, as per Cano’s observations.
Cano elucidated, “If an individual anticipates support from others but lacks the direct communication skills to express their preferences, they might inadvertently manifest their frustration indirectly through behaviors like sighing, moaning, or other actions that could alienate the other person.”
In cases where the individual in pain doesn’t receive the anticipated aid, Cano pointed out that reactions of anger or disappointment might surface, despite the obliviousness of the other party regarding the unarticulated expectations.
Michael E. Geisser, Ph.D., a professor specializing in physical medicine and rehabilitation at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, highlighted that, in such circumstances, the non-affected partner is likely to respond in a reciprocal manner, particularly if they entertain suspicions about potential exaggeration or fabrication of the pain.
Geisser expounded, “When one partner doubts the authenticity of the diagnosis, their response is inclined toward anger rather than support.”
This cascade of resentment, avoidance, and unmet anticipations can infiltrate every facet of a relationship. Should partners grappling with pain persistently perceive themselves as deserving of more specialized attention than they receive, Cano emphasized that this misalignment of attitudes can indeed trigger relational conflicts, potentially spilling over into other realms of disagreement, such as financial choices and leisure pursuits.
The potential for discord stemming from pain-related issues to permeate the broader relationship has been substantiated through Geisser’s insights. “Research has shown that relationships in which one partner experiences chronic pain tend to exhibit heightened strain, increased marital discord, elevated conflict, and an augmented likelihood of divorce,” Geisser noted.
How To Halt the Cycle
If you perceive that chronic pain is eroding your relationship, taking proactive steps is crucial to prevent the situation from escalating further.
Education
The initial step, as per Cano’s recommendation, involves fostering an educational foundation. Embrace the concept of treatment as a collaborative endeavor, as Cano elaborates, “Both partners should approach it as a shared journey, delving into a comprehensive understanding of the pain condition and engaging in joint attendance of medical consultations to explore treatment options.”
Gaining insights from a professional about the appropriate levels of exercise and physical activity for the person experiencing pain is valuable. Additionally, comprehending the extent to which the partner who’s dealing with pain should contribute to household chores and physical tasks can be clarified through such consultations. (Interestingly, certain conditions like fibromyalgia and arthritis can actually experience relief through moderate physical activity.)
Couples therapy presents itself as another avenue. In a study featured in the March 2020 edition of Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, Cano and her team observed that participants favored couples therapy for addressing both pain-induced distress and relationship strains. Cano underscores that this approach facilitates candid conversations devoid of defensiveness, enabling couples to openly articulate the ways in which pain has reshaped their lives.
Communication
Effective communication between partners plays a pivotal role in averting the intrusion of pain into a relationship, according to insights shared by Mildred Farmer, MD, a former internist and fibromyalgia specialist affiliated with Meridien Research in St. Petersburg, Florida. This principle operates reciprocally: individuals experiencing pain must also cultivate the ability to attentively listen to their partners and make a concerted effort to empathize with their emotional states, as emphasized by Dr. Farmer.
Dr. Farmer underscores the importance of keeping channels of communication unobstructed within the partnership, while acknowledging that both partners might grapple with fairness-related concerns. She remarks, “While it may seem unjust to contend with persistent pain, witnessing a beloved partner wrestle with pain presents an alternative form of burden.”
Dr. Farmer goes beyond verbal dialogue when discussing communication. She advises individuals contending with pain to recognize that they could inadvertently convey feelings of anger or distress, “even when they believe they are effectively concealing their discomfort.” Dr. Farmer further advises being cognizant that pain can be outwardly manifested, either deliberately through vocalizing it or indirectly through nonverbal cues like facial expressions and body language.
